What was I thinking?

When I gave birth on August 6, 1985 to a beautiful red hair, blue eyed angel, I felt Joy like I had never experienced before.  Then I got a double portion of that serene wonder on July 1, 1988, when a delicate and precious brown hair, brown eyed princess was born.  Eight months later I found out that I was expecting again and then 9 months later my youngest daughter was born, another brown haired, brown eyed sweetheart.  I felt like my cup had overflowed and I have always known that I had been favored of the LORD to have three incredible daughters.  But what was I thinking to not have more children afterwards.  Did I not know that all too soon they would grow up and be gone from me?  Why did I not follow after my grandmother's example...  my paternal grandmother had six children, but my maternal grandmother had sixteen children.  How cool would it be to have a house full of kids for nearly forty years.  To not experience the pain of having them move off to the ends of the earth.  No amount of knowing that they are happy and loved and successful can ease the hole in the heart.  It is definately a hard bump in the road of life but one that I have to embrace because of the fact, that I wasn't thinking.  I never dreamed that they would move away, I always thought that we would be in the ministry together.  That they and their families would live close by to help us in our Home Missions work.  That they would head the bus ministry and teach bible studies and be the praise singers and music leaders.  Everything they are doing in other churches, I thought they would be doing in the Home Missions work that Mark was Pastoring.  But I can't call my husband to preach.  I can't make him a Pastor and I can't make my children have a burden for the same missions field that I have such a burden and desire for.   So... for now, I will have to just delve in deeper and pray more, and expect God to finish the work that He started and for Him to keep His promise to me, that my children will be back.  He never said that I will be following after them, but that He would draw them back.  and so till then, I must experience the "gift" of loneliness.  Maybe it will make me pray more, maybe I will reach out more.  maybe I will witness more.  Maybe I will teach more diligently.  Maybe I will become a better wife and Christian example.  Maybe I will write more.  Maybe God will give me ideas that will help our family financially and spiritually.   just maybe.... 

Thank God for His love and mercy and for allowing me to have another day.