Mixed feelings.... etc...

I am still having a difficult time with the empty next scenerio.   When I see posts on my daughters facebook pages about how happy every body is for their new jobs or their new this or that, I have such mixed feelings.  I also am glad that they are growing up and have life on their own....  to an extent.  It is hard to be happy for them when I am so sad for me.  I miss them and miss should be with a capital M!  My middle daughter just got a second job and though she sounds so happy about it, I still can't believe that she is making the right decisons by staying where she is.  She will have to spend all the money she makes on a car, insurance, taxes, a place to live, food, etc... etc..  When here she had a job, had insurance, free food and board, and free use of our car.  She had free art classes, had a studio to work in, etc.... etc.  And my other daughter has to drive in snow and ice, works a very stressful job, pays out over $700 a month on a place to live not to mention all the other expenses, and has tons of stress.  She could be living at home, going to college, and saving up for her missionary assignment.  But that is the thing, they have to make their own decisions.  I pretty much did what everybody said was God's will for my life, let other people tell me what I should think and how I should act, until I got to a certain point in life (about 40 years old) when I realized I have to stop pleasing everyone else and do what I feel God wanted me to do with my life and pursue those things before I died.  It was then that I got my book published, had my family make a CD using ten of the songs I had written, started teaching private music lessons, and trying to do things that would really reflect who and what I was.    I am at the point in my life where I would be the happiest
I could ever hope to be - except for all my kids being so far from me. 
So... even though I feel like my kids should be here and working together in our PenTeenCostal Fashion and Design and Star of Song Studios teaching music lessons and things that my kids are so good at...  I will just try to let go and let GOD.  He can bring them back, or He can take me home.   I don't mean that last sentence in the harsh way that it sounds.   I am just so tired and I feel sometimes that I could be getting to the end, but then again, I could get a second wind.  Who knows?    But yeah, I wish the well wishers would think about how their posts really slap momma hen here.   Maybe they could inbox those type of messages and not get me so rilled up. 

Marisa, if you are reading this...  I love you!   You are a good and wonderful mommy to lil Israel.  Enjoy every second of every day with him... he will too soon grow up and be gone.  and you will understand... oh honey, you will then understand. 

Thank God for His love and mercy and for allowing me to have another day.